Alex- First Date

Have you ever genuinely hoped you'd like someone? That's how it was with Alex Marlowe. I had known his family for several years, and had been friends with almost all his siblings when he asked me out. I was surfing through the newsfeed on Facebook and after a thumb swipe I saw a Sherlock joke. It was also a sibling joke about his middle brother feeling dumb in comparison to how fast Alex read. I immediately thought of my middle brother, who had the tough racket of being third of four kids with a genius little brother, smart older sister, and me. Pretty much a goody two shoes, as my sister always liked to put it. I commented on Alex's post, remarking on the commonalities of our big families. He wrote back. I thought hmmm.... I will send him a message, I'm not a middle aged, no Facebook etiquette kind of lady. Thus our talking began. Alex messaged me all day about books, life, who we are. My favorite part was when we talked about Lord of the Rings. Alex admitted how he had always wanted to be like Gandalf or Aragorn. But he admitted freely that in the Hobbit he was definitely Bilbo. I pointed out neither or the previous characters were protagonists. Biblo is because his courage and importance has to be discovered by the reader and himself. Alex said he liked the way I talked. Later he asked me out. Plain and simple, straightforward. No, “Umm you wanna chill at this party I might be at?”

          Our date was scheduled for the Saturday after my graduation from grad school. He called me everyday that week. And I loved every minute. That’s what I meant by hoping to like a person. I liked Alex on the phone so much I worried that something wouldn’t click in real life.

          When he showed up at my apartment that Saturday looking like a little old British man with an umbrella, I thought he was precious. Especially since I had to guide him street for street to my house due to his complete lack of direction. The ice was broken. He walked in and in a moment light shone right on his face and I saw the green orbs that were his eyes. A Marlowe kid trait. That was the first moment I began to realize that to me, Alex was beautiful.

         But I still didn’t know would this work, was I attracted to him. We went to the zoo and walked around enjoying the day. I got a good vibe. He had earned a trip to a wonderful river spot I call “the secret place”. We went and walked along the rocks in the creek. Alex was not a graceful wood ballerina like his sister, but a goofy squawking man. It was funny. But we talked and wove our tales of woe in love and I liked him all the more. While dangling our feet from a log, or dipping them gingerly in the creek.

         At the end of the evening I had made tacos and we sat on the couch watching Dr. Who. I snuggled in close as we watched “The Tomb of the Cybermen”, and made some goofy commentary and one inappropriate joke about foam. He won me over. We went on one more adventure/walk to the Founder’s Garden on campus. We lay in the grass and looked at the colors reflected on tree leaves. I told Alex to close his eyes so we could focus our senses on hearing and feeling. He asked if I was a romantic…yea just a bit. We walked home, and many hours of nervousness and internal battle later, I let him kiss me. And it was wonderful.

Confianza de semillas

Era una semilla

y nunca confiaba 

siempre decía

"hay pájaros"

que me comiera

si me encontraría 

No eres un pájaro 

mi amor

sino otra semilla 

que me dirige 

a la lluvia 

al sol y a la sombra 

Nuestro jardinero 

nos ha plantado 

juntos

para crecer 

lado al lado 

Jane Eyre Feminism

It has come to my attention of late that when I self identify as a feminist many people don't understand what I mean. Many think of the colloquial phrase "feminazi", they associate all feminism with radical men hating speech and deeds. In that context my feminism means i supposedly don't like men or wish to overthrow or demean all men. To that I would say you are mistaken. I am sorry that in our american culture today feminism means that to you. But it does not mean that to me.
When talking about this misconception of the phone with one of my best friends, a fellow educated deep thinking young lady, she told me that's why she doesn't outwardly self identify as a feminist. To her, that association is incongruent with her thoughts and life. I responded by telling her I understand but, I have taken a different approach. For me I'd rather take the heat and change people's minds about the very misconstrued view of feminism and the women and men who support it.
One of the most important books to me growing as a teenage girl was Jane Eyre. I love classic literature and I had often had trouble identifying with female characters at the time. Most female characters I ran into were important or loved or valued for their beauty. I wasn't all together unfortunate looking at the time but my focus was on my spirit and mind as well. I wanted to be loved and respected and valued for all of myself, not simply my packaging. It was the character of Jane Eyre that gave me such hope as a young woman. For Jane was not beautiful, she came from nothing and she did not find her value in other people's praise. Jane was mistreated and unloved but, she choose to treat others well and to love. Jane desired to be free so she worked to support herself in a time when women were practically pets to be bought and sold. Jane knew herself and her own heart and chose righteousness in her deeds over compromise of her self-respect. As I read that book I knew who I longed to be and would be. A girl and a woman who is strong in herself so that one day she might love someone else and be a real partner in a union.
Charlotte so beautifully put the feminist condition in the words of Jane to her beloved:

" Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal — as we are!”

My dearest readers, this is the truth I must proclaim to you. For me this is pure feminism, EQUALITY. I value men and I value women. Our spirits weigh the same.  It is to those equal spirits that I speak earnestly and lovingly ( I hope).